On a date with a giant squid
by youarentiam
Summary: ONESHOT Absolute crack me and my friends wrote while on a sugar high. Harry and Neville follow a high Hermione, come across a naked Dumbledore and a very naked Draco. what do they do? Go skinny dipping with the giant squid of course. You have been warned :)


"Harry Harry Harry!" Hermione exclaimed, pushing ickle firsties out of the way in her mad dash across the common room.

"Calm your tits Mione, what's wrong?" Harry Potter shouted, completely surprised at his friends violent nature that hadn't raised its head since the final battle.

"Ron got his hands on some good shit! Let's roll out!" Hermione screamed, proceeding to quite literally roll out of the portrait hole.

"Why is Ron groping Draco Malfoy?" Harry said to no one in particular.

"Harry, what the fuck was that?" Neville exclaimed. Harry had to admit, Neville had grown into a fine man… who just so happened to say fuck a lot. He was toned and tanned, and Harry knew for a fact that his penis had also gotten bigger, along with his muscles. Unfortunately, Harry heard that from Luna, in a graphic description of one of their adventures. Needless to say, he was scarred for life. Yes, he, Harry Potter, was about as straight as a silly straw (which, if you are incredibly thick, means he was really, really bent. He is GAY godamnit!) Harry knew that being gay was completely fine in the wizarding world, but the only man he had eyes for was one sexy Draco Malfoy, whom, apparently, Ron was currently groping (lucky bastard).

"Harry, Harry, earth to Harry!" Neville sighed, exasperated. That boy really had his head in the clouds. "You do know that by 'good shit' she means some fire whiskey and pot. Come, on lets go find them!"

Oh, that made sense, harry thought. So, grabbing Dean and Seamus along the way, Harry and Neville rushed in the general direction Hermione ran, or rather rolled, in. They soon learned that they could follow the obnoxious screeching that sounded a lot like Ron getting chased by canneries. While they followed the odd, but unfortunately familiar noises, thay happened to come across Dumbledore who was quite interested to know what they were up to, and was, also, unfortunately naked.

"What are you boys up to?" Dumbledore inquired, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he was scarring the boys for life at the sight of his large amounts of wrinkly skin on display.

"We are going to get drunk and smoke weed with Ron and Hermione, sir."

"Very well then boys, you best be on your way. I think I may go find Severus, see if he can provide some decent entertainment." With that Dumbledore turned around and headed on his way, his large, majestic and unfortunately wrinkled penis flapping in the wind. At this awful sight, the boys covered their eyes and ran for their lives. However, they did make a quick stop in the boys' bathroom, where they literally scrubbed their eyeballs of the sight they had just see. When Harry reared his head to look in the mirror, he was alarmed, yet also pleased, to see a very naked Draco Malfoy duck taped to the urinal.

"Why hallo thare" Draco drawled.

"Hey sex- DRACO. Your name is Draco and you are definitely NOT sexy and awesome and I am so not drunk already" Harry rushed out, tripping over his own feet and attempting to cover it up by casually leaning against a toilet. Draco giggled and lolled his head to one side.

"I saw Filch. He was dancing with the cat. And singing. I think he may have drugged me!"

"What a coincidence! I'm gonna go get stoned with ma friends soon, wanna come"

"Nahhhhh… itskay I got a date with the giant squid. Very sexy guy."

Harry sank to the ground, rain appeared out of nowhere, drenching him as he screamed a heartfelt NOOOOOOO to the sky. Draco just wiggled his toes, distracted by the rainbow that appeared from the rain. Still raining, Harry weakly said

"Swiggity swate, but you should be MY date!"

Draco gasped like a girl in a cheap, overly acted porno.

"Why don't I just date BOTH of you? We can all be bammin slammin bootylicious together! Harry cheered and ripped the urinal from the wall, carrying Draco with it, screaming

"RON, HERMIE, WE GON BE BOOTYLICIOUS TOGETHER

The other two cheered, followed by Dean and Seamus crying together

"That was beautiful" Dean wailed,

"Not as beautiful as YO FACE" Seamus screamed

Dean gasped, bitch slapping his mouth in his haste to react.

"But what about when we danced together? DOES THAT MEEAAN NOTHING"

Dean grabbed some of the firewhisky out of Ron's hands and poured it all into his mouth, and getting copious amounts on the bystanders.

"IS THIS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!?" Dean glugged through the alcohol. Seamus flipped his hair and stalked off. Hermionie and Ron stared… then shrugged and stood under Dean, who was currently spitting out the firewhiskey out of his mouth like a fountain. Eventually the Golden TRIIOO was rolling around on the floor, bathing in the unlimited amounts of alcohol coming out of Dean's mouth.

Filch stumbled around the corner, dragging Ms Norris and singing loud whiny love songs, wearing a towel as a cape and a bra (which was silver and green and had the initials S.S on them) on his head.

Not even hesitating to find out what was going to happen, Harry shot a very quick stunning spell mat both him and Mrs Norris. He then duck taped them to a different urinal, but leaving the clothes on because it was just too funny. Then he took pictures and sent them to Lavender Brown, knowing they would be in the possession of half the school by morning.

"Well done Harry…"

"…We taught you well."

"Sorry Fred, George, I am far too drunk to tell you apart right now" Harry shouted. Realising what he had said, he threw himself at the closest twin, snogging the living daylights out of him after exclaiming,

"I'm so sorry! I am such a terrible boyfriend!" he then broke down tears, with Fred and George cradling him between them, wondering what the fuck had just happened.

"Fine then! I have a date with the giant squid, you little slut!" Now everyone was staring at Draco, wondering what exactly he was talking about.

"NOOOOOO Draco I'm sorry! I love you and only you! I swear. Can we have make-up sex?" k, now everyone was definitely clueless to what the FUCK was happening.

"No, but we have a date with the giant squid, so let's go."

"Well everyone, you heard the extremely sexy man, let's go the Great Lake!"

Everyone trooped down the moving staircases and out to the lake, all the while trying to be quiet in that ridiculous way people do when they are totally wasted.

"Why haven't we been caught yet Mione?" Harry inquired, none to quietly.

"Ron put aquirinatis (a wizarding form of ecstasy) in all the teachers' drinks at dinner."

"GENIUS! THEY WILL ALL BE OFF THEIR TITS RIGHT NOW!" Harry exclaimed; pressing a sloppy kiss to his ginger best friend's freckled cheek.

When they all reached the lake, Draco took the lead by taking off his shirt. Everyone else followed, but not Harry. He was just staring at the chiselled abs on his pale crush's chest. When Draco dropped his pants, to reveal he was not even wearing underpants, Harry actually started drooling.

"Are you coming Harry?" Shocked out of his developing fantasy, Harry snapped his head up to meet Draco's eyes.

"Soon, my love, very soon" He whispered, but loudly exclaiming "Of course!" Stripping until he was naked, Harry ran to meet Draco by the water's edge.

However, once they jumped in, any of harry's remaining decency sunk to the bottom of the lake. Not caring what happened now, harry swam over to Draco, driven out of his mind by the massive erection draco was sporting.

When Harry raised his eyes to Draco's for the second time tonight, they were wide and black with desire. Draco's eyes soon darkened, and taking this as an invitation, Harry threw himself at Draco. He snogged him till he needed to rise for air, but he didn't stop then, he then kissed his way across Draco's jaw, nipping and sucking his way down Draco's neck. Harry decided that Draco's smooth skin looked positively delicious, so he traced Draco's abs with his tongue. All the while, Draco was standing still, his hands tangeled in Harry's hair, making soft noises of appreciation. Somehow, and that bewildered Harry, Draco's erection kept growing larger. Just as his roaming hands reached down to grab Draco's arse, someone thought to interrupt them, with a loud

"Get a room!"

In that moment, Harry swore he would forever hate Blaise Zambini, who had somewhere along the line arrived at the scene.

"excuse you potter, but what are you doing with your hand down _my_ boyfriend's pants?"

"your boyfriend?!" harry shouted, turing to draco.

"I thought me and the giant sqid were your boyfriends?" harry questioned, turning to draco for an answer.

"I have many boyfriends potter." Draco said mysteriously. "oh and for your information Blaise, harry does not have his hand down my pants."

"oh that's a relief"

"were both naked"

"FUCK"

"Well, if you'll excuse us, harry, the giant squid and me have a date to continue with"

"fine! Your perfect abs aren't even that great anyway" blaise shouted unconvincingly, and then proceded to stalk away like one of those spoiled girls whose parents had gotten them the wrong coloured porshe.

"now where were we?" harry whispered seductively, and he continued his advanced on the hansome stallion in his possetion. He lowered his lips to dracos again when a shout rang out across the lake.

"seamus, please I can change!"

"no I won't take you back, you were spitting firewhiskey, in broud night time for all the world to see"

"I was just mad at you I swear, if you take me back now we can have make up sex! With chocolate!"

"with chocolate you say? Ok fine lets go have hot choclety sex"

Dean yelled a shout of victory into the air and lept into seamus' arms, while seamus carried him into the forbidden forest where they would undoubtedly find chocolate from the centaurs and then proceed to have hot, sweaty, sweet sex under the supervision of the sentient trees. And with a last shout of "I'm going to fuck you so hard up the ass you won't be able to walk for a week" and the resounding sqeeal of delight they dissaperared into the night

"well that was indeed odd" harry said, draco nodding somberly beside him.

"that's a good idea though, chocolate sex" harry continued

"yes indeed," draco said, a hint of interest lingering on his tounge "I'll have to write out a reminder for that one"

And pulled a notepad out of his ass, literally.

"how did you fit that up there" harry exclaimed with surprise.

"potter, potter, potter, when you've had as much anal as I have had it really gets pretty loose up there.

By this time the rest of the group were getting pretty sick of errybody's shit .

"TO THE ROOOWM OF REQUIREMENT" Hermionie yelled, gesturing wildly towards the castle.

"Also known as the COME AND GO ROOM" Ron snickered "Hahahaaaaaa, come and go… like PEEING. WANNA DRINK MA PISS NOW YOU ENGLSISH MOTHERFUCKER?"

The group, now joined by a rouge frog and his boyfriend, the unicorn Tipsy, they trouped back to the castle, sopping wet and completely naked,

They managed to get to the room of requirement as fast as possible with a drunk dean, lovestruck Harry, jealous Blaise and high friends. Of course, as fast as possible meant 4 hours. With all Ron's giggling and stroking of Tipsy, the frog got very jealous and sucker punched the shit out of him, knocking him the fuck out. Harry proceeded to drag him the rest of the way to the 7th floor corridor.

Walking back and forth three times, Harry thought 'FIND ME A PLACE OF PIZZA YOU SHIT FACED MOTheRfUCKER :0)

And so the door growled at him. Taken aback, Harry jumped into Draco's arms, much like in those cartoons about that dumb ass mystery dog. Really, the dog is the _least_ worthy of being the show's namesake! He just does stuff. But I digress. Harry is scared as dicks, (SPECIALLY DRACO'S!) and the door is offended. So when they finally enter (after the most sober person apologises to the room, which happens to be Bert the frog who is actually, contrary to prior belief, not a person, but a frog) the room is filled to the brim with fluffy pillows and sparkly shoes. In one corner there sat a pile of pot as tall as Dumbleydore and in the other a hammock. Harry cheered and ran in, throwing his clothes off in one go (which had somehow appeared again on his body, BUT NOOT FO LONG).

Soon later everybody was high as fuck, off their face and telling scary stories. The room had dimmed considerably and an omnipotent light floated around the room, illuminating the person telling the story (fo dramatic effect)

"AND SO THE PHONE WAS THE – no that aint right- AND SO THE MURDERER WAS INSIDE THE PHONE" Seamus recounted. Harry screamed (yet again) and jumped into draco's waiting arms. Hermionie started crying like a baby and ate a whole tub of ice cream in one gulp. Blaise, on the other hand, jumped so high he landed on the dumble-pot-pile.

Harry was sobbing.

"I DON'T LIKE THIS ANYMORE"

Draco jumped up

"DOnm;t worry, I haz a sword and I SHALL PROTECT YOU FROM MURDEROUS PHONES" He yelled, swinging a sword that had magically appeared in his hand as he said it.

"How buh FYCK did u get the godric gryffindors sword? Only a true gryffidor can do that. Wha have u done you slimy ass Slytherin motherfucker?!"

"No mummy no! I don't want to be a Gryffindor! They smell!"

"OH, so THAT'S what you think of me. Fine then, I will go and shag Ron. He loves me!" harry exclaimed, running over to Ron and capturing his lips, roughly thrusting his tongue into his mouth. Harry thrust his hand down Ron's pants, while rutting against his leg. Ron was frozen into shock. When mione saw he didn't resist, she ran into the corner of the room crying, despairing over the fact the love of her life was gay, and contemplating buying a strap-on.

However, it was not to be. Ron quickly regained his senses, pushing harry and his wandering hands away from him.

"I'm NOT GAY!" he screamed. "I LIKE GIRLS! AND BOOBS! AND VAGINAS!" Ron quickly set about proving his point by vanishing Hermione's clothes, pulling her to him by her tits and thrusting his dick into her so hard that they fell over in the process. Luckily, a bed had miraculously appeared beneath them.

Shrugging, the others turned back to each other – that is those who were not snogging etc. (Draco, Harry, Blaise, Neville, Ginny and Luna (who had miraculously appeared)).

"Harry! How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I even got a tattoo for you!" And Draco was not lying. For on his right inner-forearm was a tattoo of a very naked Harry.

"I do love you! Really! I was just angry. I am so sorry Draco." Harry screamed as he wept.

"Okay, I forgive you. Make up sex?"

"Okay Draco. I love you."

"I love you too Harry, my lion."

And then, with a whispered promise of "not being able to walk straight for a week", harry and Draco had the best first time together they would ever have. Unfortunately, neither of them remember it as they were completely shitfaced. Draco did, however, keep his promise.

and while all this was going on, somewhere in another part of the castle, a loud shout of:

"Severus!" Was heard, as Dumbledore threw his arms out to the sides and unbashfully displaying everything he had to offer.

"Oh _god_ Albus, not _again_!"

**And all was well.**


End file.
